I think I fixed the last irks I'd been having, and I feel stupid.
I was about to give up on this hackintosh when I went to take a last look at my bios settings and I realised I was running F6.
So, after the glorious Win98 boot logo, I got it updated to F8 and everything seems fine. I have power on my USB 3.0s as well (will test charging my iPad in a minute). Even iMessage and Facetime are working!
I'm updating to 10.9.4 at this moment, I'll report back in a minute.
Edit: Updated, updated nvidia drivers and ran multibeast to get audio back. Seems to be working fine.